‘Two awkwards don’t make an un-awkward.’

‘Two awkwards don’t make an un-awkward.’

He said, slumping into his chair,

retreating into his wild mass of hair.

For a moment, I considered this.

Perhaps this was untrue!

I wanted to believe it was

But of course it contravened the laws of physics

And as if to solidify this I sank and sat at his feet

My back against the desk

That he was leaning on hunched over

His head in his hands

I slid a hand onto his knee

And up his thigh

In perhaps some attempt to earth

The haywire energy

Spilling without control

Like a sad old incontinent cat

And we remained in this tableaux

For the remainder of the chat.

‘I am pretty apathetic about everything…’

‘We should just be trying to have fun.’

‘I am. I like hanging out with you - it’s fine.’

‘It’s fine??’

‘It’s fun! ’

‘Well it’s not fun now is it?’

...

And during this exchange he has continuously clutched at his head

As if a loud siren is being blasted directly over it.

And I have petted his knee in reassurance,

Bellowing for him not to worry, to sit it out, as it will be over soon.

And eventually it is, and I squeeze his thigh,

And I wave goodbye into the dark, storming night

I think of another late night conversation,

over a year or so before --

When the evenings were warm and gentle

And I visited the room of a young man

I said I couldn’t do it anymore, telling him that it was going to kill me

Rather over-dramatically -

And he laughed at me, perhaps because he was going to do exactly that to himself

A couple of months after this conversation took place.

And he wiped away my tears, stroked back escaped hairs

That hung wildly about my face, sticking to wet cheeks

And he held me tightly from behind as I breathed anxiety

And when I was calm, put on some brassy Balkan folk

And hopped about the room, characteristically ridiculous

Knees high, elbows out, his head a wild matted knot, flailing about

And I joined in and danced like a dervish

And then he asked me to leave suddenly –

his face was pained

And then he told me it was because he really needed to fart.

And I walked out the door laughing

And turned around to see his face - half grimace, half grin

Waving at me goodbye, as I walked away.

After these conversations you often sit alone,

Reassuring yourself it really is better out than in.

And the universe waits silently

Leaving you to slowly unfurl the truth

That will eventually reveal itself.